Random Thoughts and Maybe’s.

I tried to drown out my thoughts yesterday at the gym.  I discovered it doesn’t work. Now I’m curious where the saying that something is too loud to hear myself think came from. I’ll have to look that up. Maybe my music just wasn’t loud enough.

Sometimes I just don’t want to think about what I need to do or where I need to go or what the future is. As I’m typing this I remember that I was able to escape my mind when I meditated. I always thought that was a crazy naturalist kind of thing to do until I tried it. I was able to focus more on what I needed to do and I was able to control the things in my head that were making me crazy.  I was able to see where I wanted to go and saw myself being there. That’s what Jim Carrey did before he was famous. He would drive to the Hollywood Hills and picture himself living the life he wanted.  He didn’t just imagine it though, he felt the feelings he wanted to feel and saw the things he wanted to see. I was doing that with Bora Bora.  I need to do that again.  I imagine how the sun will feel hitting my skin, and the sound of the waves and the birds, the feel of the towel on the beach chair beneath me. I think about how I feel in that moment, not just the oh my gosh I’m happy to be in Bora Bora thought, but the actual emotions of that moment. Sometimes the cabana boy brings me a drink.

I really do wonder why we go in such big circles in our lives. One day I’m right where I want to be and then all of sudden I realize I’ve completely veered off-course and have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’m just scared and allow myself to lose pace because of what the next steps are. Maybe I need to quit over-analyzing life and just live in the moment sometimes. I have my five year plan, I just need to stick to it and enjoy the journey. I guess if we can control where we are going, we should expect some push back sometimes. Maybe that’s what I failed to realize.

Going Forward

I am not the same person I used to be. The last five years have been a series of steps that have brought me to a place within myself that I never imagined. Some of the experiences were great and some of them I’ll just call learning opportunities. I am excited about where I am today and I’m eternally grateful to the people who helped me get here, although most of them have no idea the role they played.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and I am much more aware of my abilities and the power I have in my own life. I know where I want to go, the problem is believing I can get there. Some days I do believe it and some days the scared person inside me is very loud saying nothing will ever change.

I’m reading a fantastic book right now, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John C. Maxwell. Most books I can fly through but this one has me really thinking about what I’m reading so I’m only a few chapters in. I read a simple, yet profound sentence yesterday: “We tend to get in life what we are willing to tolerate.” I know we’ve heard all kinds of versions of that same thing, but think about the words for a minute. It doesn’t mean just the way people treat us, but the way we treat ourselves. I know I’ve tolerated being afraid to make changes or stand up for what I know I need to do or even just want to do. I’ve tolerated situations and people because I was afraid to believe in my own self. I’m going forward from here.